Like This

The air smells sort of rusty, the grass is bright green and droplets hang from the blades edges, the sky is a dull gray and fog fills the atmosphere. It’s days like this that I think about everything. I think about how many days were just like this and how many I spent thinking about where I’d be years from now. Well, here I am. My surroundings are the same but everything has changed. Nothing has been the same. On those days I had a drunken father passed out on the couch in the living room, I had tons of schoolwork that I cared too much about, I had bills to pay as a child, I had worries about whether or not I would have food that night, and I had a runaway mother and a dead brother. This time around I have a future, I have a man I’m madly in love with and plan on spending my life with, I have a nice car, I have a little sister, I have family (even though we aren’t perfect), I have a job and I no longer worry about whether not I will be able to eat. Life is crazy and God works in crazy ways. But days like this make me damn grateful.

 

 

Surface.

Truth is, no matter how strong you are, at some point you will hit rock bottom, and it will feel like the world is collapsing beneath your feet; but darling, the only person who can get you back on the surface is yourself.

This is what I whispered to an empty car. The cold newly autumn air rushed in the windows and blew my hair around, for such a busy street it really was quiet. I don’t remember the drive. The feeling of loneliness gripped me tight around my chest, but it was comforting. Instead of the sadness that usually fills the hole that is there,  I felt stronger. Like I was finally realizing that the person I wanted to be there so bad, would be if they wanted. I realized I can succeed with just purely me. Right now I barely drag myself to work and its hard to even clean or eat or even do much of anything, but I push myself. I get out of bed and I work my ass off and one day I will be on top again. I do not need someone to get me there. I am powerful and strong, I’m just down right now.

 

I’m not really trying to convince you, if anyone ever reads this, but trying to convince myself. It’s the best I can do….. for now.

Fearing Death

So for a philosophy class I’ve went to we were reading The Apology  By Plato and in the end of the trial of Socrates he is faced with death. Socrates was 70 at the time and lived in Athens. Now during the time he was put on trial (399 B.C) 35-60 was the life expectancy for males. So in saying this I am concluding he was very old, but with age comes wisdom, and Socrates for that matter was very wise. He was put on trial for impiety and corrupting the youth. However he faced the death penalty for it. And Even as he stood there knowing they would find him guilty even though he had done no wrong, he was okay with dying. He was not afraid. And from that I kind of thought about something: at some point we will all die. And to be scared of death means you may not really take the chance to live. But also to not let feelings and emotions interact with justice and reason, because Socrates was not in the wrong and his punishment was not just but he was found guilty because of the feelings and emotions of the judge and jurors toward him. He made them feel embarrassed and insulted their intelligence, and they did not take that very well (obviously). But in present time this would be the same thing as (for example) having two friends who are in an argument and are asking you who is right, but the girl who is right made you mad the other day so you go with the wrong one solely based on feelings. This is not justice, this is petty. So remember that what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong whether you completely agree with the one in the right or not. in some cases it could cost a life.

“healthy”

This is a pretty obvious one but depression is awful. You can be a person with high standards on how you live your life, you can be full of passion and drive, and you can want the best things in life. And yet, somehow you cannot find the motivation in your daily life to brush your hair. With depression, it isn’t “being lazy” it’s just that you are more focused on rushing out of the door to do things for OTHER people you start to neglect yourself. You sometimes forget to eat for days and only remember when your boyfriend reminds you. You used to be so depressed that you self harmed and tried to take your life. You went to plenty of facilities to fix it and did tons of therapy, and after a few years you started to believe that it was gone. You started to think that finally you just don’t have depression. But god damn it. It turns out that it isn’t that simple , of course. You graduate high-school and you have a job and everything is fine , right? Well I’m sorry but that is wrong. Some nights you cry yourself to sleep for no reason while everyone around says “just don’t cry then” but your heart feels like it’s being ripped out and all of the bad memories return and it’s like starting from block one. But everyone is telling you “just don’t be like this” so instead you hide it. And BOOM just like that, depression grips your heart and smiles back at you. Depression is awful.

Writers block

So lately it’s been hard for me to write but I really need to get into doing it daily. It’s rough when I don’t know when or what to write about and it isn’t like anyone is reading this right now. But it’s something I need to do. Mentally writing is so good for me – it’s just sometimes hard to force myself to. But I’ll get the hang of it

Colors

I don’t sit out here very often, but I should. It isn’t much ; just a back patio with a view of all of the neighbor’s back porches. Yet, at this time there is something special about it- calming almost. I can hear basketballs bouncing in the distance, kids playing, crickets making noises along with the other creatures, and vehicles starting and stopping. Despite all of the noises there is a calming quiet that settles over everything. The colors in the sky seem to be telling everyone that night is settling in and the moon is coming out. The blues fade to yellows that fade to pinks that turn to purples, that only go to blue again. It’s chilly this time a year, but not cold. It’s that feeling where my heart aches for the time long ago when I wasn’t sitting here taking it all in. I was waiting on night to settle and the fun to begin. My  adventures were an adrenaline rush and love blew through the air to fill my lungs with every breath I took. Now as I sit here , it is hard not to look at all of these house and wonder what happens within those thin walls. What comes after the curtains close? What are they yelling about? Who’s birthday party is going on in the dinning room? They all look so happy. I guess there are some things we just cannot know. However, I do know that these were the houses I ran between during my adventure sin the night. But I do not feel like I am living an adventure anymore. I guess only time will change that. I just hope that somewhere inside of any or all of those walls, there is someone waiting for night to settle. I hope they take risks like I did. I  hope those risks lead to great beginnings, and mostly that they never regret them. I know I do not. Because somewhere under these colors painted above me; someone else is thinking this too (and maybe not) , but I can pretend. Some place somewhere some one’s colors are fading into night , and some where else night is turning day. And some where in between all of that , the person who began and lived my true adventure with me is looking up at this painted sky and thinking of me, at least I hope. Maybe it’s just the colors, maybe it’s the sound of the wind, and maybe it is just the time of the year, but I still hope.

 

 

Warmth

I work in a restaurant. Most look at this job and say no. Honestly it’s rough on your body and it takes a good memory. But the people make it worth it. Some people you see every single day , sometimes more than once. Some you only see once. Some know your name, birthday , school schedule , work schedule and all of the above. Others don’t even know your name so they simply call you ma’am. This isn’t my dream job by any means and I plan on switching soon. But I know I will miss seeing the steam pour from the coffee pot as I tend to my first customer of the day. I will miss the jokes me and my coworkers make and how we share our hatred for huge huge loud groups (especially when it’s almost closing time). I will miss the warmth of the people who hug me before they leave and carry on with their day. I will miss the sunshine sneaking through the blinds and wishing I were outside feeling it. I will miss the rush of the kitchen and the urge to get a million things done in two minutes just to keep those tables happy. I will miss seeing the little girl who is convinced I’m a princess in disguise. There are lots of things that I know one day my heart will ache for. I’ll look back and know that this wasn’t what I wanted to do but I did love the feeling. It’s not perfect and it’s hard work really , but this is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything else. This job teaches you quite a bit about respect and integrity. Because even if no one sees you do a bunch of stuff that you don’t HAVE to do , you do it anyways. You do those things to help out the coworker who did it for you one night and you never got to thank them. You learn how to treat the ones who are doing things for you with respect. Amongst everything I’ve loved about having this job , I have to say I’m walking out a different woman than before. I will never forget the lessons and things I have learned by working here. So thank you , for being a little warm restaurant that taught me so much.