I take a deep breath that reaches every corner of my lungs. I close my eyes and feel the sunlight hit the skin on my eyelids through a dirty windshield. There are hundreds of people around this car right now, maybe more. But do they have any idea? Do they know that the girl in the car beside me is yelling into a phone as her baby cries in the backseat, she hung up the phone and has been gripping her steering wheel for about 10 minutes and looks like she could use years of sleep. And it’s crazy because it isn’t the same situation, but at many points in my life I was her. I was the girl who’s knuckles were turning white because that steering wheel represented my life and I was pleading for myself to hang on. I’m taking a deep breath because like she will, I got through it. But did I see that? Absolutely not. No , in that second I was trying to find a will to live, I was trying to figure out why my life has a purpose and then one day- without even realizing it , it got better. And slowly my grip relaxed and I had the strength to put the car in drive. Here I am, some time later and I can’t even tell you all of the reasons I was crying (if one at all) but I do know I broke. My life is like this clay pot that keeps getting shattered; however, every time I have to fix it I fill the cracks with gold and that tiny clay pot became bigger, stronger, and worth so much more. So yes it will hurt. It may drag every inch of life out of you , you may feel like just completely giving in but remember that these are the moments that make you. I sat here for about thirty minutes praying for that girl that I don’t even know. What’s even crazier is that she had no idea and all of the people surrounding us has no clue what she is going through and neither do I , really, but I do know the feeling. So be kind. And if you are in a situation that makes you feel like throwing your hands up and putting in your two week notice for life- don’t. Don’t quit right before the promotion you’ve been waiting years for. Because it never seems like it but all of those things you never thought you’d get through? Well you did. And you’ll keep doing it. I believe in you. And so should you.
The air smells sort of rusty, the grass is bright green and droplets hang from the blades edges, the sky is a dull gray and fog fills the atmosphere. It’s days like this that I think about everything. I think about how many days were just like this and how many I spent thinking about where I’d be years from now. Well, here I am. My surroundings are the same but everything has changed. Nothing has been the same. On those days I had a drunken father passed out on the couch in the living room, I had tons of schoolwork that I cared too much about, I had bills to pay as a child, I had worries about whether or not I would have food that night, and I had a runaway mother and a dead brother. This time around I have a future, I have a man I’m madly in love with and plan on spending my life with, I have a nice car, I have a little sister, I have family (even though we aren’t perfect), I have a job and I no longer worry about whether not I will be able to eat. Life is crazy and God works in crazy ways. But days like this make me damn grateful.
Truth is, no matter how strong you are, at some point you will hit rock bottom, and it will feel like the world is collapsing beneath your feet; but darling, the only person who can get you back on the surface is yourself.
This is what I whispered to an empty car. The cold newly autumn air rushed in the windows and blew my hair around, for such a busy street it really was quiet. I don’t remember the drive. The feeling of loneliness gripped me tight around my chest, but it was comforting. Instead of the sadness that usually fills the hole that is there, I felt stronger. Like I was finally realizing that the person I wanted to be there so bad, would be if they wanted. I realized I can succeed with just purely me. Right now I barely drag myself to work and its hard to even clean or eat or even do much of anything, but I push myself. I get out of bed and I work my ass off and one day I will be on top again. I do not need someone to get me there. I am powerful and strong, I’m just down right now.
I’m not really trying to convince you, if anyone ever reads this, but trying to convince myself. It’s the best I can do….. for now.
So for a philosophy class I’ve went to we were reading The Apology By Plato and in the end of the trial of Socrates he is faced with death. Socrates was 70 at the time and lived in Athens. Now during the time he was put on trial (399 B.C) 35-60 was the life expectancy for males. So in saying this I am concluding he was very old, but with age comes wisdom, and Socrates for that matter was very wise. He was put on trial for impiety and corrupting the youth. However he faced the death penalty for it. And Even as he stood there knowing they would find him guilty even though he had done no wrong, he was okay with dying. He was not afraid. And from that I kind of thought about something: at some point we will all die. And to be scared of death means you may not really take the chance to live. But also to not let feelings and emotions interact with justice and reason, because Socrates was not in the wrong and his punishment was not just but he was found guilty because of the feelings and emotions of the judge and jurors toward him. He made them feel embarrassed and insulted their intelligence, and they did not take that very well (obviously). But in present time this would be the same thing as (for example) having two friends who are in an argument and are asking you who is right, but the girl who is right made you mad the other day so you go with the wrong one solely based on feelings. This is not justice, this is petty. So remember that what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong whether you completely agree with the one in the right or not. in some cases it could cost a life.
This is a pretty obvious one but depression is awful. You can be a person with high standards on how you live your life, you can be full of passion and drive, and you can want the best things in life. And yet, somehow you cannot find the motivation in your daily life to brush your hair. With depression, it isn’t “being lazy” it’s just that you are more focused on rushing out of the door to do things for OTHER people you start to neglect yourself. You sometimes forget to eat for days and only remember when your boyfriend reminds you. You used to be so depressed that you self harmed and tried to take your life. You went to plenty of facilities to fix it and did tons of therapy, and after a few years you started to believe that it was gone. You started to think that finally you just don’t have depression. But god damn it. It turns out that it isn’t that simple , of course. You graduate high-school and you have a job and everything is fine , right? Well I’m sorry but that is wrong. Some nights you cry yourself to sleep for no reason while everyone around says “just don’t cry then” but your heart feels like it’s being ripped out and all of the bad memories return and it’s like starting from block one. But everyone is telling you “just don’t be like this” so instead you hide it. And BOOM just like that, depression grips your heart and smiles back at you. Depression is awful.
So lately it’s been hard for me to write but I really need to get into doing it daily. It’s rough when I don’t know when or what to write about and it isn’t like anyone is reading this right now. But it’s something I need to do. Mentally writing is so good for me – it’s just sometimes hard to force myself to. But I’ll get the hang of it
I don’t sit out here very often, but I should. It isn’t much ; just a back patio with a view of all of the neighbor’s back porches. Yet, at this time there is something special about it- calming almost. I can hear basketballs bouncing in the distance, kids playing, crickets making noises along with the other creatures, and vehicles starting and stopping. Despite all of the noises there is a calming quiet that settles over everything. The colors in the sky seem to be telling everyone that night is settling in and the moon is coming out. The blues fade to yellows that fade to pinks that turn to purples, that only go to blue again. It’s chilly this time a year, but not cold. It’s that feeling where my heart aches for the time long ago when I wasn’t sitting here taking it all in. I was waiting on night to settle and the fun to begin. My adventures were an adrenaline rush and love blew through the air to fill my lungs with every breath I took. Now as I sit here , it is hard not to look at all of these house and wonder what happens within those thin walls. What comes after the curtains close? What are they yelling about? Who’s birthday party is going on in the dinning room? They all look so happy. I guess there are some things we just cannot know. However, I do know that these were the houses I ran between during my adventure sin the night. But I do not feel like I am living an adventure anymore. I guess only time will change that. I just hope that somewhere inside of any or all of those walls, there is someone waiting for night to settle. I hope they take risks like I did. I hope those risks lead to great beginnings, and mostly that they never regret them. I know I do not. Because somewhere under these colors painted above me; someone else is thinking this too (and maybe not) , but I can pretend. Some place somewhere some one’s colors are fading into night , and some where else night is turning day. And some where in between all of that , the person who began and lived my true adventure with me is looking up at this painted sky and thinking of me, at least I hope. Maybe it’s just the colors, maybe it’s the sound of the wind, and maybe it is just the time of the year, but I still hope.