I wake up because the beeping stopped. I take a breath to see if I’m alive , and I am. It’s bright because there are huge windows in my room. I stare at the wall for about five minutes. There are carvings in the walls from souls I will never meet. My roommate is asleep on her cot. I didn’t really sleep last night. Most nights I just climb up on my ledge with my journal and use the light from the moon to write to my hearts content. Here I am. Confined in a world within another, the outside I cannot touch. I cannot see his face. I cannot feel warmth. But I can write. This is the place my heart fell in love. I fell in love with writing. I think it took meeting him to fall in love with my own words. I had watched my words wind in an intricate spiral up the back of my throat, full and ready to make a beautiful masterpiece – be shoved back down with a kiss. Yet, After, I was still left speechless. We aren’t allowed to be up late but I cannot sleep. They say I have “insomnia” but I hide the pills in my cheeks so I can stay and watch the moonlight dance over the world beneath me. I sit on this ledge looking out of the window and I wonder where he is. I wonder what he is doing and if he ever thinks of me. I got here because of a pain he didn’t cause. I lost something that gave me hope. Something that brought me to life. Someone I loved unconditionally, all because someone else hurt me first.
I touch the carvings in the wall and before long my peace is broken up by the minds and bodies around me awaking. My nurse comes in. He tells me he has a question, so I tell him I have an answer. He asks me why I don’t sleep. See, there are speakers in every room and at exactly 11 p.m when everyone is asleep, they turn on music. So I dance. He asks me why. The only answer I had for him was that if i stopped writing, dancing, and watching the moon dance – I would die. He assured me I wouldn’t. But i told him that I would inside because aside from the love i had found, those were my happy places.
I spent weeks in that hospital because I was dealing with traumas that i could not surpass. But the truth is, I was scared of loving again. That boy i fell in love with is now a man. The day i looked at him and realized he did not love me the same, was the same day i stopped dancing. I do not stay up to watch the moon anymore. I barely write…. See he doesn’t know that I know. But I knew the moment his eyes went dull when he saw my smile that I had lost him. I have spent two years trying to get him back. I don’t think there is another soul who could make my skin want to melt with the moonlight and dance across the skies like his. I don’t think he will ever know just how hard it has been without him. How hard it was. If I could tell him anything , I would tell him how much he means. But it would sound weird coming from me I guess. I want my happy back, and technically he is here but not like he used to be. I can’t explain how much I need it right now.
So here I am, Staring out my old bedroom window. Looking at the spots we had never ending hugs. Looking out the windows we snuck in and out of, who knew we would be here now? The place we had our first kiss and the places we mad so many memories. I miss it. I miss him. Now they are just places, just memories, just windows.